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[07 Aug 2008|12:42pm] |
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i'm trying to figure out my travel plans. train looks too pricey, haven't looked into flights. i assume it will be much like the train in that i won't be able to make stops along the way without buying a bunch of tickets individually, which is too expensive. it also makes no sense. it's $83 to new york city, $101 to maryland, & (here's the one i don't get) $81 to cleveland, ohio, which is the furthest away. i guess it's because nobody wants to go to ohio. i haven't tried milwaukee yet, but it wouldn't serve a purpose much of a purpose unless there were layovers in every place i wanted to stop. i suddenly remembered the chinatown bus. i can take the bus from boston to NYC for $20, NYC to maryland for $20, & then i'm at a loss. i then have to get to somewhere in ohio, cleveland i suppose, to see my brother & family. then maybe i won't have to take any other transportation, maybe my dad will pick me up in ohio. also, i think i'm leaving on the 20th of october. i want to get this plan MOVING so that it actually happens!
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[06 Aug 2008|01:41pm] |
yesterday, i became one brave little soldier. i went up to cole & jess' house with the intention of smoking weed with them, but cole's children were there, so i decided to ask to take them up on the offer of using their attic to record music. after hanging out with cole & his two kids for a couple hours & playing him the song as it was so far, he helped me clear a space in the attic, i went to the beach & smoked. afterwards, he had to take his kids on the boat, & told me i was allowed to smoke in the attic, just not to let the clothes up there get smelly. smoke what? i asked him. truly a dream come true. for the next few hours, i felt a freedom i haven't felt in a long time. i played cello, sang, drank, smoked, smoked, awesome.
here you go, i know how interesting my face is.
i know you haven't seen me do that in a long time!
today my mom said she had to ask me something, that i couldn't lie. she asked me if i smoked cigarettes. i told her no. she said that she could smell them so my sister must be smoking, she KNOWS she can smell them, she claims. well, it definitely isn't me because i don't smoke at home very often, i'm afraid of getting winkled out. i don't think it's my sister either, i think it is nobody.
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you frostin like a flake [ 2 ] and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| Remember |
[05 Aug 2008|09:45pm] |
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that entry about wanting all of someone's attention but not being willing to give them all of mine? Funny, now that I'm willing I'm not getting much... hah. Tables are turning or I'm just being fucked up? I don't know. I guess only time will tell.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| I don't know what to expect. |
[04 Aug 2008|09:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 Pretty sad, but also hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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a-ha take on me |
] |
Today everything changes.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| AAIS |
[04 Aug 2008|12:41pm] |
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To have an anxious-ambivalent insecure attatchment style springs from the type of attatchment you have with your mother as an infant.
"According to some psychological researchers, this develops from a mothering style which is engaged but on the mother's own terms. That is, sometimes the child's needs are ignored until some other activity is completed and that attention is sometimes given to the child more through the needs of the parent than from the child's initiation."
The result is:
"As adults, those with an anxious-ambivalent insecure attachment style often feel reluctant about becoming close to others and worry that their partner does not reciprocate their feelings. This leads to frequent breakups, often because the relationship feels cold and distant. These individuals feel especially distraught after the end of a relationship."
Me in a nut shell? It kind of scares me a lot and I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to change it.
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you frostin like a flake [ 1 ] and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[04 Aug 2008|11:12am] |
my mom just gave me a book that she got on victorian etiquette.
"PUNS ARE VULGAR.
A pun occasionally can be forgiven, in a good society, but the man or woman who makes a pun on every other word, is a terrible nuisance, & the soul will rise up in arms against them.
... A punster has no regard for the most sacred & dear feelings of the heart, & would as readily play upon words at a funeral as at a wedding."
"LADIES KISSING EACH OTHER.
It is foolish practice for ladies to kiss each other every time they meet, particularly on the street. It is positively vulgar, & a refined woman shrinks from any act which makes her conspicuous. It belongs rather to the period of "gush" natural to very young girls, & should be discouraged on physiological grounds, if no other. Many times a contagious disease has been conveyed in a kiss. Let promiscuous kissing then, be consigned to the tomb of oblivion."
"GROWN PEOPLE AT FAULT.
While children's manners are thus alluded to, we regret to say that they are not the sole violators of good-breeding. To any one who observes much, it is astonishing that so many well-dressed people, who seem to know so much, are so shockingly rude at the table. Such people are sometimes guilty of acts that are revolting."
there is a whole chapter on "THE TIMID, THE AWKWARD AND SHY." which is obviously just for me. i think it's great because it seems to me that some opinionated snob wrote this book, it doesn't sound very professional at all.
i think i just found the best,
"THROWING FRUIT SKINS.
Do not eat fruit on the promenade. Some men peel bananas, apples, & like fruit & toss the parings upon the sidewalk, where scores of people are passing, thus endangering their limbs, & perhaps their lives, for no one can tell what a severe fall upon a hard sidewalk may lead to."
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[03 Aug 2008|07:07pm] |
"if you could make your own reality show, what would it be about & who would be on it?" livejournal suggests in a section they call "writer's block". i never noticed this before. it shows a lightbulb next to it, like i didn't understand before that it was an online suggestion box for ideas. the only thing i don't understand is why would someone WANT to write about that. i mean, that's what a deep thought is? that's supposed to remedy The Problem? who wants to read that shit? this is why i got rid of my other livejournal. there are some great people on here, but there is also a gigantic chunk of the lj population that is made up of all the douchebags you never wanted to become friends with. when i'm forced to see anything written by anyone like that, i feel like it's just possible that i'm that stupid because those people probably think they're the shit. i don't even think i'm the shit, but that doesn't make what i have to say any good.
anyway, i wanted to talk about my day, & tell a specific story from it. today was rough, man. i can't even tell you why. i knew from the moment i woke up that i was just going to feel awful & tired all day. before i left for work, my sister vomited from coughing so much (she has pneumonia), my mom was mean to my grandmother, my grandmother got upset, i had to get ready but everyone wanted the bathroom, the house was eating me alive, yada yada. when i got to work, i just felt like i was doing everything in slow motion. i told multiple people to "have a good night," at 1130 this morning. i had this fear that i was going to screw up a transaction & make my life even more miserable.
at some point, while in this awful slow-mo malfunctioning robot state, a woman came into the store. she seemed sort of frazzled & she was on her cell phone. when she came to my register, she hung up her phone but seemed kind of spaced out. she didn't buy very much, but i still asked, "do you want a bag?" she said, "no, i just want my family to go away." i didn't even hear her at first, i had to ask her what she said to me. she said that everyone was overreacting, she just wanted everyone to go away. i told her that the same thing was going on at my house. i just felt like the whole thing was perfect. that someone else felt the exact same way i was feeling at the same time i was feeling it, understood & knew the feeling, & the fact that they told me about it without my prompting them or giving them any information about myself made me feel much better. i always feel a little guilty that i hate it here so much.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| Things |
[03 Aug 2008|10:59am] |
I bought a road bike on on Thursday. It was on layaway for a while but now i have it. I haven't done any good rides with it yet. Today is my grandma's birthday part, at my aunt's house in Menomonee Falls. I think biking there and back would be a good start. It's only about 19 miles one way.
by the way:
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| Becoming human... |
[02 Aug 2008|11:53pm] |
I feel like I'm waking up--in a bad way. I feel like I'm becoming human again, with emotions and all that other bullshit. Like I have just been shut off over the past couple years and everything that I should have felt is storming in right now. The worst part is that nothing I'm feeling relates to anything, not even to what's in front of me. Like I'm just jumping around between thinking stuff is awesome or terrible or happy or depressing or cute or unpleasant or hilarious or infuriating or annoying almost all completely unprovoked. It's totally out of control. Out of my control. I'm out of control. And I think I'm getting sick.
Maybe all of this is because I just watched robocop.
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you frostin like a flake [ 1 ] and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| join me for a cuppa |
[02 Aug 2008|10:58am] |
well this had less of a point than i thought. my entire day before work is composed entirely of different degrees of procrastination. this is one of them. i should take a picture of myself with my coffee, i thought to myself. well two, i guess. i should fuck with them in photoshop now. why? there's a fair going on, i have people's old junk to buy! why am i not more excited/already down there! any opportunity to waste money is a good opportunity for me.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| Really, I don't fucking care |
[01 Aug 2008|11:39pm] |
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Current stressors (inclue but are not limited to): being sick, consta-headache/nose hurts/throat hurts, friends wanting to fight other friends, people talking to me about friends wanting to fight other friends (leave me alone, i want nothing to do with this and i dont know more than you do), not being able to find a place to live and somehow having to take on the entire responsibility for trying to find places even when i'm not even close to picky AND i have no money restrictions but the other two are and do, being fat, missing my friends, working, moving shit out of the other house, being broke, having tickets to pay, having to go to court, missing my brother, my grandma's only daughter is dying of stomach cancer and my grandma has been in horrible shape because of it and now today i found out my grandma's sister died today (that's like three in one), basically always feeling like a lazy piece of shit but my knee isn't healing, not being able to have a good cry when i need one, etc...
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[01 Aug 2008|10:36am] |
i had a dream that.. well, i don't know exactly. something like reta was letting people live or condemning them to die, which would be very un-reta (reta being the older lady i work with, a lovely lovely lady that i completely adore). we had to hide all this information from her, like whether or not we were in this house or not. i felt that everyone was being too loud, that we'd be found out. there was a dog, for some reason. the dog started barking, which i don't think is what got us in trouble. later in the dream i found that she must have known the whole time everything that was going on, because she had the ability to turn into a crocodile & could go beneath the house to listen to everything. most bizarre dream i've had in a while, usually they don't turn into fantasy land. they are sick & twisted, but never in an unrealistic way, really.
i think i had this dream because i forgot to return my movie for about a month now.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[31 Jul 2008|12:25am] |
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Fuck I'm so tired and will of course continue to remain really tired for the rest of the week most likely.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| My past few days wrapped into runon sentences cuz. |
[29 Jul 2008|09:19pm] |
Friday after work Dead Issue played a show with the Killer and it was a ton of fun and the night felt really great all night despite the fact that my straightedge band was playing in a bar.
Saturday I grabbed my bike and skateboard and set out to find new skate spots by myself, which is kind of a drag but I didn't know what else to do since everyone else seemed pretty set on not doing anything until I rode by the start/finish line for the riverwest 24 hour race and ran into folks there and hung out for a while until I got food at the co-op and then hiked over to the downer ave bike races and hung out with a bunch of sort-of friends who i'm not super tight with but i think are all real cool as well as Kat for the first time in what seems like a year, and also Dana, who I assisted on a trip to her home.
Sunday was pretty rad because we had early band practice and played kick ball twice and swam a bunch and went to east garden.
Yesterday I woke up at 8:30 for my day off and skated at the silly estabrook park til noon and I almost landed boardslides a bunch of times but mostly got pissed and eventually I skated in my underwear for a few minutes too because I was way too hot until some weird bmx kids showed up and looked like they thought i was weird so i put my clothes on and left and went to lunch .
Right now I just had band practice it was quick and fine, but before that I spent most of my day responding to folks who work at our remote offices who for some reason can't understand whatever I tell them and do wrong things over and over against my command and infuriating me seemingly intentionally.
Go see my band play tomorrow at 1315 W McKinley at 7:00pm.
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you frostin like a flake [ 1 ] and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[29 Jul 2008|09:35am] |
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i feel really shit & i just want to call everything off today, tomorrow, forever. to just lay & bathe in my lethargy & listen passively through the walls. i don't know when it was that i became a participating member of this world, but i want my name off the list. i got here by mistake. maybe my therapist will get his wish & i'll have a panic attack in his office today.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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| Insomnia |
[28 Jul 2008|12:47am] |
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I have such a hard time sleeping lately. Fuck city dudes really messed up my schedule.
I had a long, full day today but I'm just laying in my bed wishing someone that wasn't me would update their shit so I'd have something nice to read. Keep in mind Bukowski's Women is sitting a foot away from me on my bed, but that book gets me all hot and I am not in the mood. I'm thinking it'd be alright if I stopped getting up at noon. I'm thinking it'd be alright if I quit my job sometime soon. I can't get enough of this summer; it's been so long since I felt I was missing out on something when I'm unable to attend. That's a good thing, right? I'm having so much fun.
I miss Stu and Ryan and Kyle. I talk to Stu every day, but I've never had such good friends leave for such a long time, I feel weird about it - the thought of it makes me completely restless. Don't get me wrong, blahblahblah they'll be back before you know it & all that jank, yeah I know, I'm not like seriously upset over anything I just want to hang, duh.
Anywayyyy I'm rambling. Good thing I've been a part of two circle pits to Queen in one month. Life rules. I want pictures of everything.
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you frostin like a flake [ 3 ] and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[27 Jul 2008|10:27am] |
the day before yesterday was crazy busy at work. i drank beer before going in, my senses were slightly dulled but i had to go directly into automaton mode. there was no time to think about it. it remained busy all day long, the only cigarette i got to smoke was at 730 pm! even then, it was a risky move because it could get busy all over again at any time. anyway, then reta brought my paycheck out for me, & when i opened it, i thought it was lying. i got a $1.50 raise! which apparently is large in comparison to most raises.
yesterday i worked again, then went to this massive party. apparently the woman who had the party is a multi millionaire. she or her husband or maybe just her family, i have no idea, owned part of a television station, & also the local newspaper. when they sold the newspaper, i guess it was worth 200 million at the time, which was split between 17 people. so $11 million something plus the other things they sold, plus they probably invested it somewhere & are still getting filthy rich while they're sleeping. people working at the party came into the store multiple times, buying just carts full of ice, plus they had ice coming from somewhere else which ran out of ice... so they had to come to the store to get ice for this party also. i wasn't the cashier the time they came & restocked on liquor, & i was busy so i have no idea what to tell you about that, but i can tell you that i was the cashier when they bought almost an entire cart full of just tonic water. to be honest, i just have a hard time fathoming that sort of generosity. supplying over 400 people that you may or may not know with endless amounts of alcohol is pretty crazy nice.
i only stayed for an hour. i like to think i had many meaningful, deep conversations but i probably didn't. i said i did last night, but i can't even remember what it was about. i don't think it was meaningful.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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[25 Jul 2008|12:35pm] |
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i think my tooth died. after days of awful pain, there is no pain whatsoever. i think this means they have to come out.
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and ludacris feels grrreat!
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